Never take our free press for granted.

Now that I am safely under the protection of VT law, I can write freely about my experiences in Turkey without fearing that I will run afoul of Article 301 of the Turkish penal code, to wit:

* A person who publicly denigrates Turkishness, the Republic or the Grand National Assembly of Turkey, shall be punishable by imprisonment of between six months and three years.

* A person who publicly denigrates the Government of the Republic of Turkey, the judicial institutions of the State, the military or security organizations shall be punishable by imprisonment of between six months and two years.

* In cases where denigration of Turkishness is committed by a Turkish citizen in another country the punishment shall be increased by one third.

OK, I'm safe on the last one, but the first two are actually pretty scary. The law is, of course, much milder than the Alien and Sedition Acts signed in 1798 by President John Adams, but it did cause me to choose my words very carefully while I was overseas.

I don't really have anything awful to report, but no country is without fault and I feel obligated to share a few caveats with my fellow Americans.

The food caused me no problems, except for the one time on a late night bus when I gulped down a large glass of frosty Ayran (roughly like light, salted buttermilk) and a large can of sweet cherry juice - visne suyu, a delightful beverage.

Unlike the first class airlines they so closely resemble, Turkish long distance coaches do not have "air sick" bags and towels are virtually unknown. The attendant brought me three tiny paper napkins but the rest of the tale is best left untold.

As I mentioned earlier in this blog, bathroom use costs either 50 cents or a dollar everywhere one goes, and the only object to dry your hands is either a six inch square of copier paper or a four inch paper napkin. Fortunately, the open air works like a hand dryer, so this is not a big problem. Toward the end of my trip, I realized you don't HAVE to give the man or woman behind the counter any coins. They won't chase you down or call the police, but it is their main source of income so, if you have a conscience, you will pay up.

However,I was stood up, clipped, shorn, scalped, overcharged and taken for a ride on more occasions than my ego will admit, but I don't blame the Turks. I just didn't understand the rules.

In America and Europe, goods and services have a posted price. If you don't like the charges, you go to a different store and hunt for bargains.

In Turkey - and hundreds of non-western countries - the price is the bargain. If you pay too much, it is your fault and the vendor feels more glee than dismay. Get over it.

Here is a short list of my bad choices. I hope you benefit from the missteps that followed my simple, American naivete.

When my plane arrived at the Ataturk airport, the Metro had stopped running for the day and the hotel would not send a car for me because I had booked a special price through a travel agent, instead of paying the extra $10 I would have been charged online.

The "only" cab charged 30 euros ($60) for the twenty minute ride to the Yigitalp Hotel. This was quite entertaining, however, as the driver was eager to introduce me to a "Ukraine woman, very good, very good" an offer I was easily able to decline.

At my lodgings everything was as advertised,except the Free City Tour and 7th night free, were also not available to me because of my method of booking.

I rode out to the airport the next morning for $1.20 on the Metro.

As my colleague, Gary Scudder, pointed out in his blog, there is an apparently universal conspiracy of taxi driver which involves stopping the cab every ten minutes to "ask directions."

This always involves a great deal of random pointing and a nice tour of whatever city you are visiting.

Even with my very limited Turkish, I could figure out that my driver was not really asking for directions to my hotel, but actually more or less requesting strangers to point to their favorite sights in Istanbul.

To avoid this particular scam, make sure your driver calls your destination BEFORE you climb in - they all have cell phones - and that he gets specific directions from the desk clerk. Also make sure the meter is running and that the cheaper "day" rate is indicated, rather than the 100% greater "after midnight" rate.

My greatest humiliation, however, happened on day three when I decided to treat myself to a manicure, pedicure and top flight haircut.

Taking the advice of the concierge, I walked fifty meters to the nearest Kuafor and cleverly negotiated the "mani-pedi" down to about $30. The lovely Ziynet did a careful and gentle trim and so I figured I'd let her husband, Fazil do the hair, beard and shampoo.

Admittedly, it was the best haircut I've ever had. He used scissors, straight razors, electric clippers, strange tools for trimming my moustache, nose and ear hairs and six kinds of lotions. It took him close to an hour to wash, cut and dry every folicle on my head. He served me tea and offered me cigarettes.

When he presented me with a bill for 40 YTL (about $33), I felt is was a bit pricey, but worth the experience. The next day I learned the going rate was much closer to $10. I had been scalped.

The next two stories did not happen to me personally, but I'm including them as fair warning to others.

Restaurants often have menus without prices. The bill you get at the end depends on how well the owner likes you. This worked in my favor as I am friendly to the point of obsequiousness. When you tell the waiter that "Turkey is beautiful. Turkish people are kind" enough times, you often get a 20% discount and lots of free tea.

Unfortunately for one of my friends, this had a downside. She enjoyed a dinner for four in Datca with wine, six courses, dessert and tea and the bill was $20. Two weeks later she and different friends returned and one of the male guests got into some kind of argument with the chef. This meal cost $200.

When the price is not agreed to in advance, you really don't have much leverage when it comes time to pay the piper.

A young Brit, Larry from Bristol, sitting two seats over from me at a pub told his drinking mates a rather loud and elaborate story about being approached by a very friendly guy name Darvoush who invited Larry to join him for a beer or two and to meet some lovely young women. Larry went into the Parliament club and was immediately seated next to two ladies who told him how handsome he was and how they always wanted to meet a man from Great Brittain, etc, etc. A waiter filled the ladies' glasses with red wine and then later with what looked to Larry like ginger ale.

When Larry tried to leave twenty minutes later, the waiter presented him with a bill - I am not making this up and I can't vouch for young Larry's veracity but I've read about stories like this before so I believe him - for 600 YTL!!

In Larry's version, he was immediately surrounded by thugs who made it clear they would accompany him to an ATM to settle up, but he made a huge fuss, dropped some bills on the floor and escaped with his honor intact.

Whether this story is true or not, it kept me away from friendly strangers and any form of alcohol for the rest of my trip.

OK, I'm still stinging from the times I was overcharged for batteries, trinkets, food, the infamous haircut and my two taxi rides, but they were all a very small price to pay for the best adventure of my life so far. Here's what I learned for my money.

Don't accept "No problem" as the answer when you ask "How much will this cost?"

Get a menu or list of charges in advance - in writing

Make sure your cabbie has his meter turned on and knows where he is going before you get in.

Be prepared to haggle over every transaction. I hate to argue about prices but it really is expected in a surprisingly large number of situations..

Be friendly and don't take it personally if someone tries to separate you from your money. It's all in the game and, after a while, you might actually enjoy playing.

OK, that's all I have to say that is in anyway negative about the Republic of Turkey. The vast majority of people were kind, friendly, helpful and more or less just like me. Travel with an open mind and a generous spirit and you will have an amazing time.

I know I did.

Ken

PS: My next and probably final blog entry will deal with a course I plan to teach which is tentatively named "Minority Report: Assimilation, adaptation or isolation. How minorities cope with life in a dominant culture and what we can learn about peaceful coexistence from their experiences."

Stay tuned.

K