A Deep Tension Within Me
Written February 6, 2008
Outskirts of Chennai, India
As I sit on a mini-van in route to a World Vision Area Development Program (ADP) I am reading an article about programs against malnutrition in a World Vision magazine. The issues of children, starving and facing massive hunger and child development issues in Zimbabwe and Haiti are discussed. I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness and hopelessness at the issues we fight. I don’t know how we can truly make an impact. I am on my way to my 3rd ADP visit; first was in Dodwa Ghana; 2nd was in Vardenis, Armenia, and today is Gingee, India. I can’t tell you what I expect to see, since each country is so diverse. What I notice along the drive is the daily life of Indian people; children in school uniforms going to school; women walking to the store; men commuting on mopeds; busses full of passengers; lots of horns blowing as we drive. There are people everywhere. India has over three times as many people in land mass a third the size of the United States. It is so crowded here. I feel so out of place. I am so rich and spoiled and fearful of my own health and well-being. I imagine what it would be like if I lived full time in an ADP village, say in Zimbabwe or Haiti. Could I survive? For whatever reason, my friends Marika and Dale with Mennonite Central Committee come to mind. She is American, and loves India and lived here for a year or more. She impresses me. She has a strength within her that I seem to lack. She has an inner confidence and this sort of external oneness with the environment. She almost seems out of place in Pasadena and I imagine she is perfectly at home in the remote village in Uganda. I miss her and I really must visit them in Uganda. They are living as incarnationally as any one I know. Each has had malaria already. I take the anti-malaria meds. They don’t.
I feel this tension within me. One side desires to go and live among the poor and oppressed, who suffer daily. I desire to be simple and poor, and rely upon God more completely. I want to feel the daily impact of my work in tangible ways. I must flee the ivory tower of World Vision Global Centre and go before it is too late. Will I fit in a local community? Would I emotionally self-destruct? Could I learn to deal with such a life? This tension lies directly against my other desire to remain with a foot in the West. I long to move upward and use positional authority to make things change. I can affect large budgets and technology and projects from there. I can earn enough money to support others in missions and to sponsor children in poverty. I can travel the world and stay in comfy hotels and eat good, clean, safe food and water. I can take malaria pills and diarrhea meds and not get too sick. I can remain an outsider in each culture I visit. I can be a “development tourist” and yet still make a contribution to the cause. I can see poverty up close, but yet not have to really be poor. I can bring awareness and influence to my naïve and sheltered circle of friend, family, and church. I acknowledge this tension most when I travel to non-western places. I recall the first hints of this feeling when I crossed the border to Nuevo Laredo, Mexico in 2003. It only has gotten stronger with time.
As the bus leaves the city we now begin to see the rolling hills of South India. It is pretty scenery. So was the trip to Vardenis, Armenia ADP. I recall the breathtaking views of snow covered mountains and lakes. It is quite hot outside here. Our bus is air-conditioned. No on else’s is. We are development workers and we are rich. Am I a hypocrite? Perhaps. I have more education than 98% of the world. A blessing? Yes. A burden? Yes. How will I best serve the Lord with all that I have, today? I was called here to India to help my team but what is my real purpose of being here? It costs a ton of money for me to be here; more than an average man makes in a year as income in India. How will I make that investment worth it?
This tension exists within me and for now, I don’t know what to change. I rely on a daily walk and daily instructions from my God and the Spirit that dwells within me. If my spirit is unrestful and my heart is not at peace, I know I must not be stagnant. I may simply be opportunistic and going as the wind blows. Or I may be going as the Spirit leads me and trusting opportunity and God’s will are one in the same. I have experienced a union of God’s will and my will quite often lately. Maybe not entirely this trip but now that I am here, I feel the unity. I also watch as my crazy life goes not on a predictable schedule. I feel okay with this. I must be okay with this. My world is changing rapidly. My call to the nations is happening right before me. God is honoring the commitment. My God is faithful and continues to push me, slowly forward, pressing me harder to sacrifice my needs and wants. Yet all the while I still have dreams coming true. Like seeing the leopards in Botswana last week or the Giants winning the Super Bowl, (though I didn’t feel the total present joy because I missed the game; funny realization, I also missed the Red Sox win the World Series because I went to Lebanon). I get very different satisfactions here in India. It’s a deeper more significant pleasure than the win of a favorite sports team.
The tension sits deep in the pit of my stomach. I’ll just let it be, for now.