Why does she need dad more now – What happened to my little girl?

My last entry related to letting go, getting used to being an “empty nester� and the fears of the unknown. Although I continue to work on all of these issue along with it comes yet another new experience.

Now you must first understand a few things about our past (knowing that you will relate by replacing words in my sentences as needed).

Like most parents these days my husband and I have tried very hard to expose our children to many new and exciting opportunities. Along with their involvement, being a parent of the 21st century, my husband and I also got involved every step of the way. We have been boy scout den leaders (yes, even mom was in an appropriate uniform), we have been girl scout leaders (sorry to break the visual, but dad did not wear that uniform), we have been room parents in school, drivers in the parades, fundraisers, homework helpers and cheerleading coaches (in both meanings of the word). We have put a lot of energy into the definition of family and considerably went out of our way to make sure that all of us were together to support each other regardless of who had the spotlight that day.

Even though we have shared so much together, I always thought that my relationship as a mom was different from that of a dad and a child. I felt that my children could and would come to me with the most important issues in their lives and it was then up to me to offer it to their dad at the right moment. My children and I would always have these intimate conversations and they would reveal (what they thought) were their biggest secrets (occasionally, they would surprise me). When my son was a little boy and going through some very difficult emotional times, he could not talk about, we came up with an idea to write things in a notebook. He would write his feelings and thoughts then place it under my pillow, then I would respond and put it under his pillow. This way, he did not have to feel embarrassed no matter what the topic was and I would not make the mistake of belittling his feelings with a flip, quick, in-a-moment’s response. It worked out very well and got him through some uncomfortable times.

My daughter and I would talk in her room at the end of everyday. She would give me all the latest on everyone and we would talk about how she was doing. We would talk through anything she wanted. We would have girl’s night out (nails, hair, shopping, etc.) and constantly chat about the day’s events and issues.

As I am struggling to get used to my children not being around, I have also found myself faced with the fact that they are calling dad to discuss concerns or anything that might be on their mind. They are calling him several times a day. I do get a phone call or two, however, I get the quick conversations and the “I’m fines�, I never seem to get the heart-to-heart conversations.

Now, Dads, you might be thinking – Venus vs. Mars or that father’s have those conversations too. I am sure that many or most of you do. However, when it is the normal for one parent to be familiar with these “sharing times�, it seems as though something else has been taken from you that was special between you and your child.

I wanted so badly to get upset with my daughter and ask her why she was pulling away. I wanted to know just what I had done to deserve this treatment. But I have just begun to realize that although I was the emotional support in our household, her father was her protector. She feels safe with him and by him. I believe that her reaching out to him through these phone conversations may be her way of feeling safe.

I have often asked her why she seems to be so distant. I tend to forget that she has a lot going on in her life right now. That as much as I am trying to find out who I am now, she is trying even harder to do the same thing.

There is a plaque that I have on the wall in my kitchen, it reads, “There are only two lasting bequests we can give our children – one is roots, the other wings�. I have done my best to raise my children with this in mind. I never imagined that the hardest thing that I could learn to give my child was space.

I have taught her right from wrong to the best of my ability. I have witnessed her make good choices. I have loved her with all my heart. Now, I must learn to sit back and watch her spread her wings. It is now her time to show me the person that I have worked so hard to teach.

Together, you and I must have done well so far, after all, we are sending our children off to better themselves even farther, and so far, they have made it.