Good news, Kind of Bad news, poetry, and things in between!
Hey,
I hope all is well. During the craziness of this last week of school, I've decided to give you an update on my life.
So its the last week of school before finals and I have an obscene amount of work that I have to hand in. Its ridiculous, believe me. Despite the massive amount of papers that I have to type, I've found some leisure time here and there. Yet still, I want for summer to arrive already.
Around the same time of my last blog, I was about to test for my step exam for karate. The good news is that I passed. The bad news is...well there is no bad news in this area of my life. I'm simply one step away from my second degree black belt test.
In one of my previous blogs, I spoke about how I made it into the NH Slam Poetry Finals. Last Friday was the finals. There were ten of us who battled it out for five spots on the slam team and an alternate position. Despite my best efforts, I didn't place. Don't worry folks, I'm not mad. In fact I'm very happy for the winners who will be representing our state at Nationals. It makes me proud to have participated in such a great competition. In addition, the loss has motivated me to battle it out in more slams and improve my performance pieces all together. Unlike last season, I'm not going to wait until the 8th slam to try and make it to finals. Next season, I plan on trying to secure a spot for finals as early as I can. This may mean losing a few slams, but I'm prepared for that.
On the lighter side of things, I wrote a new poem. I'm not sure whether it has performance piece material or not. I haven't thought of a title for it yet. I hope you enjoy.
UNTITLED
When I was younger, I felt whole.
Everything was simple; life was simple.
I disowned the worries of my world.
I ignored them for as long as I could.
One day one of these issues grew too big and
took something from me.
I thought I needed to get this piece back.
I thought if I could, I'd be able to take off the badge labeled "Faker".
I began my search...
I chased what I thought meant infinity.
I tried to capture it.
Tried to reinstall it into my system.
But it didn't work.
The program was too corrupt.
Now, I search for an alternative.
I want to break my genetic code.
I want to take the data and rearrange it.
I'll do anything to replace this missing piece.
If I can accomplish this, then maybe I can continue to
outlive this thing called responsibility.
My only choice now is to work with what I have left.
But its hard.
Its hard to move on when something's not there.
I feel so empty without it.
The reality that I relied on is gone.
There's only the truly "real" left.
My ontology has been questioned.
The lawyer asks me "who are you?"
My reply is:
I am M.C.
I am Mack.
Unbeknownst to him, I've committed perjury.
I defined my existence with simple epithets.
The reality is that my definienses are lost in time.
I haven't really had any since I was in middle school.
You see, when you can't commit to who you are, its meaning gets lost.
So you become an actor.
Life becomes like a play, starring you.
You portray these characters, and all is fun until things get serious.
Until you have to make promises that you don't want to keep.
This is when things get too tough.
The real people would run in headfirst, but not you.
Its not your problem because you never really cared in the first place
So you leave.
You give up.
The responsibility is too much.
That's what happened to me.
I became the faker.
There were times that I wondered
which role I would play next?
The brother?
The uncle?
The father?
The teacher?
The student?
The friend?
The poet?
Which role will I use to emulate this fate?
Without any, you see me as an empty dictionary.
Flip through my pages and read the blank words.
I swear there's something there that I'm missing.
If I could throw some flashy phrases in it
I would be filled...temporarily.
Momentarily, I would have a new name and the charade would continue.
I could run off into the night, unnoticed, and continue living this fantasy.
Now on any given day this would have been
acceptable.
On any given day, I would have gotten away with it.
But not today.
Not at this point in my life.
You see, I'm almost twenty, and it seems like truth is calling
for my attention...
And I'm starting to look in its direction.
It seems like truth has made its last stand against me.
Truth has taken matters into its own hands.
Truth wants me to atone for my sins.
I don't think I'm ready yet, but truth doesn't care.
I look truth in the eyes and see the doorway to life.
The doorway to a real life.
The life that I had played with yet not embraced for years.
The life that had wars that I didn't want to hear about.
The life that had friends that I lost.
The life where I could've gained true love.
Its my life that I see.
As I walk towards it, I hear "time to grow up kid."
I guess the fun and games are over.
These meaningless roles I've assigned myself
are irrelevant.
There's no point in being the lead in this Divine Comedy
when no one is laughing.
When truth crashes into you, it burns.
I lay scorched by these flames…
I guess it’s time to replace my nametag with one named
"Adult"
So...that's my life update. I hope you enjoyed. I'll try to blog one more time before the end of the semester. If I don't, see you in the fall.
Mckendy