Trinity University

A learning:
People will pick things up that don't belong to them and then suddenly think that these things in fact are theirs no matter what socioeconomic background they come from.

Recently I lost my wallet.

Let me list the contents of my wallet to you, my suddenly sympathetic audience.

-Used target gift card
-Blockbuster Membership card
-Used barnes&noble gift card
-about forty dollars in cash
-debit card
-parent's credit card
-Best Buy rewards card
-picture of girlfriend
-drivers license
-health insurance card
-macy's card
-moustache disguise

That is, recently I lost my wallet, or rather, some nincompoop picked it up knowing it wasn't his, and suddenly realized that hey, now it was his. (You see, this is a part of gender profiling which actually benefits women. Usually you think of nincompoops as men.)

I know I will not marry this person. Even if he/she gives my wallet back, I know that just by teasing me and separating me from my wallet, the only thing to which I owe this person for eternity is a daily subscription to Hostile Sticky-Notes Ltd.

The thing is, I'm really not as disappointed at losing my wallet and its contents as I am at losing my drivers license. I believe I am not alone when I say that a good drivers license photo is hard to come by. I mean, you get them like, once every five years? And if you ask to retake the photo, odds are either you didn't even ask in the first place out of silly fear or the behind-the-counter lady was having a really bad day because she forgot to pluck her eyebrows and EVERYONE was noticing and she wouldn't let you retake it. But this drivers license picture which was taken was REMARKABLE. I mean, all I would have to do is flash it at the large people blocking the way to the airplanes and they would let me through. I've seen what happens when people who take bad drivers license photos try to get through to the airplanes, and now, since I have to risk a new photo, I'm terrified of the same thing happening to me.

So now I walk around with the most pitiful face on, hoping that the bumpkin that found my wallet WITH IDENTIFICATION IN IT will see me and be repeatedly touched by guilt and come yelling at my door with my wallet, beseeching me to release him of the guilt that comes with taking someones means of identification at airports.

Do you know what I will say?

I will say,

"Puhah! Knave! Get thee to thine kitchen and make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!"

and then he'll look really confused and I'll stop acting and say, "Okay. Yes." and take my wallet and shut the door.