Wow, I haven't written in a long time... Sorry about that! I've been super busy making ends meet, trying to make progress in my internship, and now keeping up with schoolwork.

I learned some things about myself during the first semester that I think will prove beneficial this year. For one thing, my internship has taught me that I'm not super interested in working at a general hospital. It's been a good experience, but I'm definitely not getting the full "mental health" experience I'd want from a real job. Also, I might not be entirely suited for working with adults at this point. I've always gone back to jobs that involve children-- I was a camp counselor, teaching assistant, and even in my job at BCPS headquarters I ended up working face-to-face with children. I think I kind of "get" them. Or maybe I'm biased because they don't require too much in the way of conversation, and as I'm finding out at my internship, neither do I.

I've learned about active listening, and I think this has helped tremendously to give me a pretty good foundation for practice. But I just have these hang-ups... I've always been shy, and I've never really had "the gift of gab," so approaching adult clients in my internship setting has been really challenging-- I've had to break out of my bubble a bit. I'm sure everyone experiences a little bit of that anxiety, but it's something that is almost more a part of my personality than it is situational. Either way, I've got plenty of time to work on that, and I plan to do so because it will make me a better practitioner in the end. Even if I can't change certain biases or drawbacks I might have, I can become more aware of them and learn to adjust or work around them if needed...

Additionally, this semester's classes are going GREAT. I'm taking Human Behavior II, Paradigms in Clinical Social Work Practice, and Practice II (Macro segment). My teachers are brilliant, the textbooks are interesting, and my classmates are active participants, which leads to great discussions-- it's almost like I'm dreaming. Don't get me wrong, my teachers were great last semester as well, but I'm really enjoying the whole experience more now that I've adjusted.

Baltimore was hit with a few measly inches of snow this weekend, so I'm finally leaving the house to do errands. Happy new year, only a month late!

Posted by Beth at 11:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This week, a person I love passed away. He was only 26 years old. And he was one of the most amazing people I will ever meet.

I remember when I first started talking to Kevin; I thought he was a complicated guy, his trains of thought each going a million miles an hour in every direction. When you caught one train or another, it was pretty fantastic. I think that's what I love about him the most. Or maybe it was his easy friendship. Kevin accepted everyone around him with an open heart. Despite everything he went through, he was the best friend he could be to everyone, every day. I can't say that for myself. I love that about him. But I also love his smile. Kevin smiled with his whole face, everything smiled...it was remarkable.

This summer, Kevin and I went swimming together one day. We hadn't seen each other in a while, yet it felt like no time had passed at all. We kept jumping in and out of the pool, running around like children, and it was great. Our fingers turned to prunes and we laid out in the sun, under rolling white clouds in a crayola blue sky. It was relaxing, and Kevin mentioned he didn't know it could be so peaceful and soothing. He seemed happy. I'd only ever seen him that happy a handful of times. He had lots of anxiety, and he felt pain very deeply. But that day the clouds over him seemed to lift, and he looked to me to be happier and more stable than I had any idea he was becoming. I was so thrilled...Kevin was going to get better. He was going to feel good soon, and to go on to do more wonderful, creative things with his life. I don't doubt this for a minute.

And now it's over. Life is so fragile. My sweet friend is gone and the sadness I feel is inconceivably painful. Every day I hope for the pain to be a little less torturous, and for the acceptance to will its way in... but to be honest, I am feeling worse. The days go by. The days between the present without Kevin and the past with him, they grow. And I can barely do anything with myself. The grief...it feels like so many cliches...an anvil sitting on my chest, all of my insides hollowed out, a crushing weight pulling me down to the ground. Mostly it doesn't feel real. I have to remind myself what this death means every day: Kevin was a wonderful person and he's never coming back. It feels less and less possible, and it has never once felt like it made sense.

I walk around mostly unaffected by my surroundings. Today at my internship I was asked to counsel a family about hospice. They had just received the news from the doctor that treatment wouldn't fix this, and that they should start making plans. There were tears, and there was shock. If I could feel my heart this week, I would have felt it hit the ground and shatter.

Grief begins just like that. The words, you hear them but you don't understand them until they've had the chance to sink in to your body like a hot iron. Then it's the pain. As much as you try to convince yourself it will go away, part of you knows it never really will. There will be the memories, the ones you love and cherish and wish would just hide away. Sometimes it works, and you find yourself regretting the bitter efforts you made to forget. Once the person is gone, how long will it be until you can't remember their voice? And the day you first met? What about the last thing you ever said to them, is it something you'd rather you didn't? In grief, life is so temporary and death is the most permanent, unforgiving reality you can even imagine.

I've been walking around like a zombie, afraid to think of Kevin and afraid to stop thinking of him. I want to hold on to him and keep him alive. I want this to be a sick joke. I want to undo this.

Instead I'm on the internet looking at grief counseling websites. I figured if I knew what stage of grief I'm experiencing, according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1969), I'll know how far I have to go. Because of how unreal this is, I figured I must be in denial. Denial, I thought, must be the second or third stage (if you want to believe in stages). Well, no, it's not. It's the first. http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm#stages has a great breakdown of the grief stage theory and suggestions for healthy grieving. The important thing to remember is that it reflects a theory and not a rule for every person. I think that's part of my problem: I want to know when this is going to feel better. Even if it's not any time soon, I want to know how long to prepare myself for this aching sadness to greet me in the morning. I want to know how long I'll withdraw from my normal activities and how long I'll feel misunderstood and alone in this. But there are no definite answers to that.

What I really want is to remember Kevin. I want to remember him in my actions: the way I let my friends know I love them even if we don't see each other all the time, the way I enjoy a heavy metal show, the way I soak up the sun after playing in the public pool with an old friend. In these actions I can live a tribute to Kevin, who taught me the importance of those seemingly mundane things that now, looking back, are the best memories of him that I could ask for. More than just my own tribute to him, as Kevin's friends we are all coming together despite whatever stopped us from doing so in the past. If Kevin is watching this, he must be wearing a huge, beautiful grin. If I believe that, I think I'll smile without pain again; I think we all will.

Rest in peace, Kevin. You are so loved.

Posted by Beth at 7:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sorry I've been M.I.A. for a few weeks. Things have gotten kind of hectic around here. And I haven't really wanted to write about it much because I've been so stressed out. But I feel pretty good right now so here's the update.

Foundation classes are hard. The challenge level (of curriculum, exams and assignments) is appropriate for the first year of a graduate program, and that's not the problem. The problem for me has been feeling disconnected from the work I'm doing. I write a few papers each week, read hundreds of pages in different textbooks, complete workbook pages and recently just had three mid-term exams. I feel that I'm being exposed to a lot of information, which is great. Sometimes, though, I feel a disconnect between the curriculum and my big ideas about what my career is going to be once I'm done with school. I remember from my freshman year of college that foundation courses are draining because they require students to develop a broad knowledge base; the specific things I want to do with this knowledge base can't be fully explored immediately. I understand the need for Policy, Research, Human Behavior and Practice coursework, but I have a hard time pretending to be completely excited about every class at all times. There, I said it. That's basically what I've been afraid to admit, which is silly because now that I think about it, it's probably a pretty normal feeling.

After talking to a few professionals, I've come to the tentative conclusion that my lack of enthusiasm might not be the end of the world; I can probably improve this by working harder to draw connections between foundation courses and my plans for my own future as a clinician.

Mercy Medical Center has been a great field placement so far, and I have learned some things about myself that will influence my future career. For example, I have trouble communicating with adults at times. When I work with children, I feel more confident that I can understand what's going on with them and communicate effectively. As a result, I've been thinking very seriously about working with children as a career.

On the same token, I've learned from working at Mercy that I can't just shrink away into my comfort zone. If you're considering Social Work as a career, you can't be afraid to start out uncomfortable at times. I mean really uncomfortable. As one of my designated responsibilities, I introduce myself to new patients and discuss their responses to a distress assessment. Though this sounds like a simple task, each introduction requires me to first take a few deep breaths, try to center myself on the client and to be professional without being stiff. These are things I need to work on, but it is getting easier. My point is that if I never had to be uncomfortable I would never learn how to overcome discomfort. On the first day that I had the chemo floor to myself, I thought I wouldn't survive. Obviously I was wrong; there were no disasters, either. In the end I had to get over the palmsweating because my anxiety was for nothing.

I should write more often so that I don't end up rambling. Next time, expect some links. I'm going to get back into reading about Art Therapy as inspiration to get my degree and keep movin'.

Posted by Beth at 5:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

To anyone who is thinking about visiting Baltimore, might I suggest that you do it in the Fall. This is really, unfailingly the best time to be here. The wind is kind of crazy today but I like that. I look forward to September all year long: witnessing the end of another disgustingly sweaty summer, lower electricity bills with no air conditioner running...and then October.

Oh man, do I love October. Every year I promise myself I will go out and do something festive every weekend to celebrate the season. It never quite works out, but this year I swear I mean it! There's a Honey Harvest Festival this weekend at Oregon Ridge. Click for more info. Oregon Ridge is a lovely place, and it's important to me to leave the city limits every so often.

When this week is over and I've finished all the work that's due, I will definitely want a day to relax outdoors. A balance of work and play is important, and this week I'm having trouble focusing on work. It's mostly the weather...so to combat my urge to blow everything off until the last minute, I'm trying to find places to study outdoors. It's working out well so far, especially if there's coffee involved. But it's hard when the computer is necessary for hours at a time...still haven't figured out that equation yet!

In other news, my field placement is going well. I am starting to feel more confident and actually want to have more face to face interaction with the patients. Nothing teaches more than new challenges, and I feel ready for a new challenge! I'm starting to understand the importance of taking Social Work Practice in conjunction with the field placement--Practice is providing the building blocks of skill to be formalized in the context of the field placement. This week I've read about introductions and beginning the clinical relationship with a client or clients; coincidentally, I'm becoming familiar enough with my agency to start introducing myself and to become more involved with patients. The lessons seem to go hand-in-hand with the natural development of the field placement, and I appreciate that fact. Kinda neat.
Now breaking away from the computer to take in the cool weather. I'd suggest you do the same!

Posted by Beth at 3:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've spent a lot of time over the past few weeks thinking about my intentions and my potential to be a social worker. It's fascinating how something can seem so clear until you are asked to think critically about it. The workbook that we are required to complete for Social Work Practice is full of useful lessons and assessment tools to measure abstract concepts like self-efficacy and cultural competence. I completed the first two chapters on an airplane home from Switzerland (I'll get to that in a minute), and I ended up both mentally exhausted and exhilarated. Part of it was probably due to jet lag, but examining myself under a microscope, so to speak, brought up a lot of questions I'm not necessarily prepared to answer.

As a result I may have worked myself up a little. I became anxious that I don't know what I'm doing when I go to my field placement, and that I cannot show this vulnerability, thus compromising my authenticity... Kind of a huge leap, cognitively speaking.

Today at my field placement it dawned on me that I can only be one person. Walking briskly down the halls to the Social Work office, I couldn't help but make eye contact with each passerby while smiling involuntarily and quietly muttering "hello." This is who I am, I can't help it. I also can't help that this nerdy exterior may seem goofy or naive to some. In somewhat the same respect, I am a first year social work student. I do not know everything-- in fact, I barely know anything. But I believe in the capacity to learn from everyone around me, and I think maybe that's important for foundation students to keep in mind.

In knowing that I don't know it all, I can accept and represent myself as a competent learner. Maybe at the root of authenticity there is a deep sense of agreement with oneself about identity. However, I don't believe this requires one ultimate agreement over a lifetime, rather a series of flexible, succinct definitions of oneself at many different stages in life. This sets up a symbiotic relationship: at this time, I am choosing to accept that I have a lot to learn, and the only way to learn is to allow this acceptance. Without it, I will be susceptible to non-negotiable self doubt, and will basically scare myself out of learning anything.

I hope that this makes sense to any of you going through the arduous process of self-examination. Also, I'm looking for reflections on the subject so feel free to comment.

Switzerland, Switzerland, Switzerland... I traveled to Gruyeres for my boyfriend's brother's wedding. The wedding itself took no more than 10 minutes, which is just how I like 'em. As a result, we did a lot of sightseeing and picture-taking. Gruyeres is the most beautiful place I've ever seen. It's a small village on a hill surrounded by the Alps, very old and very much historically maintained. The main draw for tourists is the enormous yet enchanting Chateau de Gruyeres, a castle high on the hill inside the village walls. There were a handful of different languages being spoken by all sorts of visitors, including a melange of biker gangs assembled for some kind of celebrated open-air convention. For my first trip out of the country, I don't think I could have done much better. The most wonderful part of it all: there were 15 of my favorite people in the world there too. This was hard to coordinate at times but absolutely worth it! I have got to do this traveling thing more often...

So it's time for bed. In the morning this post may look totally strange to me. Gotta love late-night writing!

Posted by Beth at 11:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today I ran 5K in between my Social Work Research class and Human Behavior! When I registered for these classes it was with the intention of going to the gym or the library in the 2 hours of free time I would have in the middle of the day. So today I decided to utilize UMB's brand spanking new Recreation & Fitness facility (URECFIT) in the equally new Campus Center. WOW! That's the best way to sum up my feelings about this place. I had my pick of all the state of the art treadmills, and afterwards I took a shower in the spotless, well-lit locker room, allowing me to feel refreshed and energized for my second class. It was a great experience, and I found myself wondering where I could send a thank you note. I think this sincere endorsement will do the trick!

If you visit the school, make sure you stop by the Campus Center on Lombard St. Besides URECFIT on the 4th floor there are countless other resources available throughout the building, including a "Relaxation Room" to be completed sometime soon.

Day 3 of classes, needless to say, was great. I'm looking forward to working with the professors I've met so far, and the assignments are stimulating, which is important to me. Staying focused, in my case, depends a lot on being able to react to and apply the topics being explored. I get the impression that the faculty I've met in the past few days value this as well. I'm pretty optimistic that my first semester at UMB will be both challenging and engaging. But I better get to cracking some books!

Posted by Beth at 5:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

As I count down the hours until my 25th birthday, I am reflecting on all the things for which I am grateful. I'm sitting in a Lazy-Boy recliner which belongs to my devoted and loving boyfriend of almost two and a half years, watching "House M.D." on DVD, comfortably full of delicious Chinese takeout. I hope these words can paint an accurate picture of the decadent pre-birthday evening I'm relishing. As I look around me, wanting for almost nothing, I am overcome with gratitude. I don't believe much in luck, fate or any of those mystical forces, but tonight I do consider myself lucky. I have lived 25 privileged, enjoyable years with a strong foundation in loving family and a flourishing network of incredibly talented and lovely friends. Tonight I am truly humbled. My hope is that I can put enough positive energy and good work back into the universe over the course of my life to pay back the massive debt I must have incurred to get to where I am today.

So yeah now that you know my age, I'll go ahead and introduce myself! I'm a Foundation year graduate student, planning on going the Clinical route and specializing in Mental Health. My first year Field Placement is with Mercy Medical Center in Baltimore, which is not so far from where I currently live. I grew up in Maryland, and moved to Baltimore while I studied Sculpture at the Maryland Institute College of Art. Since I graduated in 2006, I've tried out a few jobs and decided to pursue my interest in Psychology, combining it with my Fine Arts background by one day training to practice Art Therapy.

This brings me to what happened today... I went to my first official class at UMD! The class is Social Welfare and Social Policy. I feel lucky to have the professor I do--he literally wrote the book on this subject. Hearing insight from the author of the book we'll be studying gives me a sense of confidence about the consistency with which the course material will be applied (and thusly, absorbed). The assignments appear to be thought-provoking but not overly time consuming, which I think is great. Like most people I know who are thinking about grad school, I want to be stimulated by information and opportunities for research. I think that completing a number of shorter assignments helps me absorb information in a more functional, accessible way, which contributes to better study habits and application of knowledge on exams.

The website,http://www.vark-learn.com/english/page.asp?p=questionnaire, is useful in describing the types of study and note-taking activities that may suit your learning style the best. As a student returning to school after a few years of life outside of classrooms, defining a little bit about my learning style helped me immensely. According to the VARK questionnaire, I scored as a Kinesthetic learner,meaning that I may learn the best by "doing." However, I also scored high in the Multimodal category, meaning that I may benefit from Visual, Aural and Reading cues as well. If you're thinking about returning to school, even if it just means starting with one class, I suggest getting to know some things about your own learning style. It could save you hours of studying time!

Well it's time for bed, or at least rest. Big day at Field Orientation tomorrow!
-BA

Posted by Beth at 10:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)